Not long after Martha and I were married, I found myself caring a great deal about what my father-in-law thought of me.
He was a pastor. I was becoming one. Every sermon I preached, every leadership decision I made, and every choice I made as a husband—and later as a father—carried an unspoken question in the back of my mind: Does he approve? Does he think I’m doing a good job? Would he have handled this differently?
He never intentionally put that pressure on me. In fact, he was gracious and encouraging. But when someone you respect has walked the road ahead of you, it is natural to want that person’s affirmation.
Years later, I discovered that many people considering missions wrestle with the same fear—not necessarily because their in-laws oppose their plan to become missionaries, but because their opinions matter. These prospective missionaries wonder: What will my father-in-law think if we move our family to Asia? Will my mother-in-law think we are taking her grandchildren away? Will they believe we are being irresponsible? What if they think we are making a terrible mistake?
Those are honest questions, and they are rooted in something good. God created families to love one another. We should value the wisdom of parents and in-laws, and we should consider their counsel.
When a Good Desire Becomes a Controlling One
There is, however, a subtle danger. If we are not careful, the desire for approval can slowly become the need for approval. Those are not the same thing. A desire says, “I would be grateful for your blessing.” A demand says, “I cannot obey God unless you give it.” When our peace, identity, or willingness to follow Christ depends upon another person’s response—whether real or merely anticipated—that person’s opinion has begun to control us.
The Bible calls this the fear of man:
“The fear of man lays a snare, but whoever trusts in the Lord is safe.” (Proverbs 29:25)
The fear of man does not always feel like fear. It may look like endless delay, conflict avoidance, constant second-guessing, or the compulsion to keep explaining ourselves until everyone agrees. We may tell ourselves that we are simply being considerate when, in reality, we have given someone else the power to tell us what we are permitted to think, feel, or do.
The apostle Paul understood this tension. He asked a penetrating question in Galatians 1:10: “Am I now seeking the approval of man, or of God? . . . If I were still trying to please man, I would not be a servant of Christ.” (Galatians 1:10)
Paul was not saying that the opinions of others never matter. Throughout his ministry, he received wise counsel, submitted his plans to fellow believers, and sought unity whenever possible. But when human approval collided with obedience to Christ, the decision had already been made. The same must be true for those whom God calls into missions.
Listen Carefully Without Surrendering Obedience
That does not give a prospective missionary permission to dismiss every concern as unspiritual opposition. Parents and in-laws may see weaknesses we cannot see. They may ask necessary questions about debt, education, health, marriage, children, safety, or preparation. Their reluctance may be an expression of love rather than unbelief.
Listen carefully. Ask follow-up questions. Refuse to become defensive. Bring their concerns to your pastors and church leaders. A missionary call is not a private revelation that places us beyond correction; it should be tested by Scripture, confirmed through Christian character and fruitful ministry, and affirmed by a local church prepared to send us.
The issue is not whether we should receive counsel but who deserves the final word. We must distinguish between a concern that exposes genuine unpreparedness and a concern that simply makes obedience painful. Sometimes wise counsel means, “Not yet.” Sometimes it means, “Prepare differently.” But if Christ, Scripture, and the sending church are directing us to go, another person’s discomfort cannot become our master.
Sometimes wise counsel means, “Not yet.” Sometimes it means, “Prepare differently.” But if Christ, Scripture, and the sending church are directing us to go, another person’s discomfort cannot become our master.
Let the Fear of the Lord Put Every Other Fear in Its Place
The answer to the fear of people is not to become hard, detached, or indifferent. Nor is it to repeat, “I do not care what anyone thinks.” That attitude can be another form of pride.
The biblical answer is the fear of the Lord: seeing God as he truly is—holy, sovereign, wise, loving, and worthy of our complete allegiance. As Ed Welch writes, people become “big” when their approval feels more immediate and powerful than God’s. As our vision of God grows, the opinions of people return to their proper size. We can respect them without worshiping them, listen without being ruled by them, and love without requiring their approval in return.
This is especially important when the people we fear disappointing are people we love. Strangers may criticize our decisions, but the disappointment of a parent can reach deep into the heart. The pain is real. Yet even the people closest to us cannot give us the identity, security, and acceptance that belong to us in Christ.
You Are Approved Before You Go
One of the great freedoms of the Christian life is realizing that we have already received the only approval that ultimately matters. In Christ, we are accepted by the Father. We do not obey to earn his favor; we obey because, through the righteousness of Christ, we already possess it. Christ covers our shame and brings us near to God, so neither another person’s praise nor another person’s disappointment can determine our standing before him.
Ironically, when we are no longer enslaved to earning people’s approval, we are able to love them better. We can patiently answer questions, graciously receive concerns, acknowledge the sacrifices our decision may require of them, and give them time to process grief. We can honor them without manipulating them into enthusiasm and without allowing their fear to direct our obedience.
This changes the missionary candidate’s posture. Instead of telling others, “You have to approve because God called me,” we can say, “I love you. I want to understand your concerns. I know our leaving will cost you something too. I hope you will someday rejoice with us, but I must ultimately belong to Christ.”
Give the People You Love Time
Some parents and in-laws will immediately rejoice at your calling. Others will need time. Some may never fully understand. I have watched this happen many times with ABWE missionaries. Initial hesitation often gives way to deep pride and joyful partnership. The grandparents who once feared losing their grandchildren become their strongest prayer warriors. The father who questioned the decision begins sharing missionary updates with everyone he knows.
Sometimes that transformation takes months. Sometimes it takes years. Painfully, at times it does not happen this side of heaven. In those cases, our obedience cannot depend upon someone else’s approval. Our love for them should remain patient, hopeful, and open. We are not trying to win an argument; we are inviting people we love to participate in the work of the Great Commission.
Four Questions to Bring Before the Lord
If fear of a parent’s or in-law’s response is shaping your missionary decision, prayerfully consider these questions:
- Am I seeking counsel or permission? Wise believers welcome counsel, but adults called and sent by Christ cannot make universal family agreement a condition of obedience.
- What am I afraid their response will take from me? Naming the feared loss—whether respect, closeness, financial help, belonging, or reputation—can reveal where another person’s approval has become controlling.
- Have I listened humbly to legitimate concerns? The fear of man can make us compliant, but pride can make us dismissive. Both prevent us from receiving wisdom.
- Is my church prepared to affirm and send me? A sustained desire should be examined alongside biblical qualifications, ministry fruit, practical readiness, and the confirmation of mature church leaders.
Who Has the Final Word?
I still value the opinions of people who have invested in my life. You probably do too. But I have learned that there is a profound difference between asking, “What do they think?” and asking, “What has God said?”
Only one of those questions can have the final word.
If God is leading you toward the nations, do not let the fear of disappointing people you love keep you from obeying him. Listen well. Honor your family. Invite your church into the process. Prepare carefully. Love patiently. But let Christ, not the approval or rejection of others, be Lord of your decision.
Begin the conversation with your pastor and your family. Then speak with an ABWE mobilization coach who can help you explore your calling, readiness, and next steps.
